Self Portrait

I'm pretty bad at being okay
Okay with myself
Who I am, and who I strive to be
I have a hard time dealing with
Who I was, or what I did
Who I hurt, who I let down
I am me
Insecure
Depressed
Lonely
Scared to hold people close
I only let go, because no one gets me
No one cares to stay
In the end they are..
They are happy I let go
Happy that i dropped a lit match on our connection
It was never really a connection to begin with
It was me taking
Them giving
It was me being too much of a coward to give in
To let them have me
I'd rather not be okay than to be happy
I could have been happy
I could be happy
But I let go

Mangos

I speak, but it's all too late
Too little, or too much
You are vague, like overcast days
Empty, or not enough
I'm holding on as if it helps
Your warmth, my touch
My words are all I've got to myself
You're fine, I'm drunk
I'm sleepless, frustrated, and past exhaustion
I'm an asshole, you're a lush
I waited up for you to give in
So in vain I freely spill my guts

Sheets

I taste your skin on my tongue
My pulse echoing in my head
Crazed
Crazed by your touch
If this is wrong
Well at least it feels right
If you hurt
Well my temper got the best of me
Over encumbered by the scent of sex
Bite marks and arrogance
Forgive me
I know no cure for these urges
Only this
Only moments
Moments of instinct, lust, and pride
Moments of control
Scenes of my body filling yours
You bracing against the wall
Our souls intertwined
Do you remember this?
When we were real
Not these apparitions of our former selves
Two kids needing someone
Two kids embracing life's pain
Two kids..
Me
You

P.O.S.

Red eyes and a need for sleep
Did you forget what you said
You'll never love anyone more
The words that you dread
A heart with a melancholy disposition
You know it's true
Look at me and you
This is our love's composition
Melodies play through my head
You have nothing more to say
So I write what I had left instead
Look at where we stand now
You still standing here with your arms out
You built me up
Just to spill my guts
Like some child with soap in their mouth
Red eyes and a need for sleep
I know over time you move on
How I wish it wasn't true
Your memory is the one I rest upon
Because I feel like no one if I don't have you

Man's Best Friend

Your companionship is missed
The nights you helped me cope
Scratched you when you itched
Cringing when you licked my toes
A good friend
A best friend
We part ways for better days
I hope he gives you more time
More love
Than I ever could
The nights you laid next to me
Knowing better than I
I was not alright
Merely to help me sleep
You miss her
I know
I could hear it on your voice
The way you whined
The way you growled
The look in your eyes
I loved y'all
I let ya'll go
I took the fall
Left alone
Good bye

Wish I knew if you hear me :/

I tried to write you something beautiful
Something that I thought would last
Instead I fed you lines of
My depression
My anxiety
My selfishness
All I ask for is one last listen
What we had still sits with me
Its something I'll never let go of
I'll never forget
For the past three years some how
some how you've held on to my heart
I wish I was lying
You don't know how much I do
You don't know how much I wish I was that asshole
How much I wish I did not feel this
How much I wish life was a fairy tale
May be this is punishment
May be this is karma
That this turn where we say good bye
I am alone
I am in agony
I yearn to feel loved
Still sounding completely selfish
Because right now no one else will do
You're probably laughing, or crying
Probably the latter
I seem to do that to you
Make you cry that is
This time is probably good bye
The last good bye
I do not doubt that there is a possibility I'll never hear from you again
I'll wonder what your thinking
I'll wonder how you feel
I'll hope you're happy
I'll hold on to what you gave me
And someday
Someday I would like my heart back
Until then I love you

No Need to Dream

Chills on the surface of my back

Sleepy, but not sleeping

No desire to dream

The night terrors that once haunted me

Replaced

Replaced by a single silent dark room

Filled only by a chair and a body

My sight starts off disoriented

As it clears I see you 

Soon I am on my feet, but I can't move

Frozen, or no...

My legs are melting into the floor boards

My chest is giving in, and I can hardly breath

I watch hopelessly as you age

The question is

Was I watching you die?

Or were you watching me?