Thursday, November 29, 2012

Wish I knew if you hear me :/

I tried to write you something beautiful
Something that I thought would last
Instead I fed you lines of
My depression
My anxiety
My selfishness
All I ask for is one last listen
What we had still sits with me
Its something I'll never let go of
I'll never forget
For the past three years some how
some how you've held on to my heart
I wish I was lying
You don't know how much I do
You don't know how much I wish I was that asshole
How much I wish I did not feel this
How much I wish life was a fairy tale
May be this is punishment
May be this is karma
That this turn where we say good bye
I am alone
I am in agony
I yearn to feel loved
Still sounding completely selfish
Because right now no one else will do
You're probably laughing, or crying
Probably the latter
I seem to do that to you
Make you cry that is
This time is probably good bye
The last good bye
I do not doubt that there is a possibility I'll never hear from you again
I'll wonder what your thinking
I'll wonder how you feel
I'll hope you're happy
I'll hold on to what you gave me
And someday
Someday I would like my heart back
Until then I love you

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

No Need to Dream

Chills on the surface of my back
Sleepy, but not sleeping
No desire to dream
The night terrors that once haunted me
Replaced
Replaced by a single silent dark room
Filled only by a chair and a body
My sight starts off disoriented
As it clears I see you 
Soon I am on my feet, but I can't move
Frozen, or no...
My legs are melting into the floor boards
My chest is giving in, and I can hardly breath
I watch hopelessly as you age
The question is
Was I watching you die?
Or were you watching me?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Time Lapse

Seems like it was only minutes ago
Minutes ago that I was a kid
Anxiously waiting up for cartoons
Sneaking candy before dinner
Seconds from then I was in love
Even sooner I was heartbroken 
I miss the cartoons, candy, and scraped knees
Life was so naive, and held little responsibility
Now nearing the end of my youth
What do I have to show?
Poorly written works
A heavy heart
Lack of accomplishment
A drive for someone who barely knows I exist
Well I have a life
It may not have become all I wanted
But
But I am alive
In respect of myself and those who care for me 
All I can do is proceed
Proceed into the future with a positive outlook
Proceed into the future with hope
Hope that I make something of this existence
This life

Irrelevance

Forgotten
Forgotten are the moments we shared
Lost in time
No one to appreciate them
No one to care
Irrelevant in the ever growing futures we lead
Separate futures
Separate lives
They sit heavy on the mind
As does the liquor on my liver
Tortured not as an artist
Merely as a romantic
Looking to moving pictures for satisfaction
You
Yourself
See me as you want
Not as the person I was
The person hiding
Hiding from you and the twisted demands that love pulled me to
Concerned
Concerned with which face you wanted to view
So concerned I would go to great lengths to hide my own
Hide it deep with in my mind
Pulling me further from you
I've come to the realization
The realization you never wanted me close
If you did 
You would have allowed me to love you
You always knew you would leave 
In one sense or another
You always knew you would leave

Monday, November 26, 2012

Sour Patch Kids

Would you love me
If you knew we'd grow old
And that I would die young
Would you love me
If I obsessed over candy
And thought you were enough
Would you sustain me
If my body was weak
And I need your air to use my lungs
Would you sustain me
If I loved you
And no one else

Meh.

My eyes lead you across the room
Heavy breaths
Labored
Your mouth lined with poison
I breathe you in
I let you out
I still feel your tongue
Finding its way around the inside of my gums
My legs lose composure
I find it hard to stand, and within seconds
I am awake
Longing to sleep
Waiting to dream

Satchel

A place
A place we keep things
Things to be hidden
Things yet to be seen
Secrets
Feelings
Keepsakes
Memories?

Routines

Routines pathing the future
Routines filled with hours
Routines keeps my mouth sutured
Routines my soul is devoured

You

Your lips quivered
Your eyes locked to mine
These were the first days
Days before the worst days
I yearn for their return
That in the midst of lonely painful nights
Nights of scorn
Nights of panic
Nights of chaos
That I'd return to the sweet boy with short hair and no shirt
Endlessly fumbling on a set of fake drums
That your aroma and prescence would stop my heart
Only to kill me in that moment
That one honest moment
But realistically
I am here
Yearning
Yearning for the impossible
You

A Compass

I'm a kid with a compass
A kid looking for his way home
For me
You were the needle that gravitated me south
Gravitated me from who I was
Simply
Simply because I love
I love the Northern Star
The further you pulled me
The less I lived
The more I simply just existed
Hollow
Hollowed out like a host by a parasite
As the sky gets dimmer
I know I am dead, or soon for it
As sky shows no light these days
No star
No life
No sight
Simply existence

A Potrait

A face
Your face
The one you gave me
Along with the blood that runs deep
Deep
Deep enough to haunt me daily
It sickens me that I have these ties
These ties to you
To your family
Stuck
Stuck in the very stitches of my existence
Left with your face
Like some fucked up joke
You laugh
They laugh
Like some mob mocking my roots
I can't help the trees that bore me
Only how far I fall from said tree

3:07 Am

Thoughts
Thoughts of words written not spoken
Characters to display feelings and concerns
Eyes following lines
Lines of blood cells from the chambers of your heart
Places you keep hidden
A sickness with a fever
With every line it fuels the fire
I can smell it in my veins
Pumping
Spreading
Until I'm dry at the mouth and ready to give in
But it breaks
I sweat
I vomit
I relieve myself of the pressure resting in my gut
Thoughts are thoughts, but these feelings never let up